This Past Week - Why I'll Soon Be Done

I mentioned in my post on Thursday...

"I made some notes for a post detailing what happened, that I'm thinking about posting next week.  They're instances, words, and revelations from Staff on Tuesday that really pissed me off.  Wednesday presented disappointment."

As the weekend closes, I've decided to put my feelings into something, hopefully not too long, and post today, instead of next week.  I've had four days since my last Zoo visit, and I feel very confident in how I want to proceed in my Zoo life.  What I experienced last week really made me think about the time, energy and effort I have put into my care for my Animal Friends and Our Zoo.  My care runs deep, probably deeper than any one person outside the walls.  I have a very strong character, and I've used my voice to try to get change for better lives for the Animals I become endeared to, and for a better future for Our Zoo.  I did that for over fifteen years.  I'd do it for the rest of my life, if I felt me and my efforts were supported, and most of all, appreciated.  After this past week, I don't completely feel that.   I know there are those who do, so I'm not referring to them.  Coincidentally, this came up in a Facebook memory Wednesday night.

I don't look for accolades, that is not who I am, or the reason I have used my voice.  I do it for the Animals and Our Zoo.  Staff that works there benefits.  Though this past week, there were two separate events with Staff, that left me with disgust and disappointment, respectively.  There have been past instances, interactions with Staff that have disgusted me before, but time was different and at this moment in time, I walked away knowing I've had enough of this bullshit.

On Tuesday, as I approached Black Bears, saw a man hanging their toddler over the barrier.  As I walked by, I said, "Please don't have your kid over the barrier."  The woman felt the need to spew sarcasm.  Next to them was a Keeper, who ignored their offense.  Still walking by, I said to the Keeper, Can you take care of this?   And I continued on.  I stopped to watch the Bears from another side.  I saw the Keeper talk to them, they removed their kid, and remained there.  When I started moving away from the enclosure, the Keeper passed by me, as did the couple.  The woman, felt the need to tell me to Fuck Off and give me the finger.  I said, oh so you're swearing at me now.  That's against Zoo Rules, I'll alert Security.  I had 5% battery left, so had my phone off.  I asked Security at the train crossing (who the Zoo pays to sit there all day for over six months because they can't bother to fix the arm), to call Security to meet me.  When I met up with Security, I did find it odd that two guards, a two front of house Staff showed up.  I explained what happened, and said I'd ID them.  They did not want me to ID them, and proceeded to go in a direction away from where the offenders were headed.  One of the Staffers, said they would take care of it and tried to dismiss me, by saying I "should go enjoy my day".  I expressed that I wanted them thrown out, per the Zoo Rules, noting they never do anything to offenders.  They said they can't throw everyone out.   Again I was met with, go enjoy my day, with the addition of, " you need to calm down".   I said I was calm.  Why people with strong character, and confident words are always seen as something more than succinct and direct, is curious.  Not to be pompous, but if they think I wasn't calm, their heads would spin if they saw me full throttle.  This go-round of words ended with this Staffer who I've known and been friendly with for well over ten years, walking to the playground with me to look for these offenders.  I expressed how I hardly call things in because nothing ever gets done and was met with her saying, "You instigate things".  I said, "That is not true and that was the wrong thing to say to me."  There was silence as we walked.  I was really disgusted, and repeated about it being the wrong thing to say to me.  She tried to take-it back and I said I didn't accept that.  I said, "You have known me a very long-time..." She said, "I have always enjoyed our conversations."  I said, "Well that ends now."  While walking, she got a call over the radio saying, "I think they just left."

Before the week was over, it came to my attention that the offender couple interacted with a Staffer and was heard referring to me as "Crazy Kim".  So obviously, a Staffer they spoke to referenced me in that way.  So many things wrong with that.  I'm a big girl and not one day in my life have I ever cared what anyone has thought of me, or says about me.  That's on other people.  That said, if they had called me an asshole, or bitch, that's one thing, but in this current social climate, referring to someone using mental health words is really frowned upon, and possibly libel.  

I've identified possibility two Staffers it could have been, but I really think it's the one of them I've never even spoken to before, and only seen half a dozen times.  For a Staffer to repeat that to a member of the public, is another level of disgusting, and so unprofessional.  For someone who doesn't even know me, they're just a really shitty person.

Being this detailed is purely for documentation.  That said, apparently trying to prevent a situation where one of Our Animals could get a bullet in the head (because that's what happens if someone ends up in a Code Red Animal enclosure), makes you "crazy".  And since no one cared that this woman told me to Fuck Off, I guess it's ok that I tell anyone on Staff who has called me Crazy, they can Fuck Off.

There are Staffers who I genuinely like.  I will still talk to them, but the mass friendliness ended that day.

Now for the Disappointment.  In an effort to help Our Zoo, I asked something of some Staff I know.  I was actually surprised at the lack of enthusiasm.  I came away feeling like they think I'm asking them to help me.  Not sure who people think I'm doing all this for, because it's not for myself.  I've tried to help with many things for over fifteen years, to the detriment of my own well-being too much of the time.  That all ends now as well.

Just before the week started, I put something in motion that could help the Zoo.   If that moves forward, I will do what is needed for that to be successful.   After that, I'm done with my efforts as they have been for the last fifteen years.  So the next couple weeks will dictate my timeline for letting go of Zoo stuff.  Until then, I will concentrate on the current effort to get the Mayor and Park Manager to recognize and act on their responsibility to the Wellness and Betterment of Our Zoo.  

I have already started distancing myself.  Changes are already in place.  This weekend, I deleted all my Zoo notes, blog photos and posts in draft.  I have decided not to further engage with Staff about the whole management situation.  I dont need to know anything more.  I can't care that deeply anymore, and certainly not after my experiences last week.

My visits will be to feed my Soul, not burden it. Visiting only for the joy seeing my Zoo Friends gives me.  The Animals will always be a part of my life.  If I can help one of them, I will, but everything else, not my problem.

And, if anything ever happens to one of Our Animals, as a result of someone hanging over a barrier, believe me, full-throttle Crazy Kim will come out to play.